Have you thought lately that dating is like casino gambling?  Just throw the money down and see what happens. Dating in the minds of many is throwing you into a lottery. Well you may not be alone. The nomadic nature of running from on line dating sites to dances, meet up groups, speed dating, night clubs, activity organizations, social groups and yes ,matchmakers can leave you’re head spinning. My advice to you is to examine why you assume things about people. Going even further take a look at why the vast analysis you put people through may not be healthy.

When men and woman date it is like symmetrical dance of the mind. Assumptions take place in the form of over analyzing what the other person is thinking. This becomes an obsession among singles and destructive pattern. The pattern has been developed in the past from bad relationship experiences. The more bad relationships you have the worse it get’s. The worse thing you can do is pretend to be a mind reader. Quite often you think you are so bright because you think you outsmarted the opposite sex. Many times you felt wonderful that you got the best of the opposite sex by staying one step ahead of their thought process. What you succeed in doing is keeping yourself alone. Start counting the days of being alone each month and see if they multiply each month. You seriously think you know what you want so you get the best of the next unsuspecting single person. Why they never knew you were analyzing them did they? You are just so much smarter than them. The messages you are sending is that no one measures up. Do you find yourself assuming you know what other people want? Assumptions can get you nowhere fast. From assumptions come the following, misunderstandings, false perception, guilt, and the escape from validation.

In the dating game it is the willing accepting good hearted soul that survives and finds love. The person who analyzes too much get’s a crowded mind full of false ideation. Worse of all you become a self saboteur.  Self sabotage can undermine you’re life. The subconscious mind imposes artificial barriers, these barriers quite often come from the over analyzing that takes place in you’re perception. When these things happen you may very well be turning away many viable dating partners. Please let me make a plea here! Stop over analyzing people. I truly believe you can make a friend when you keep it light in the beginning.  If you have a mind that has thoughts lacking in human respect then dating loving caring people is not possible. The next thing that happens is you develop anger. What can be so much more unattractive than anger? Other things that happen are irrational anxiety, desperation, false fear this will give you the desire to destroy any possibility of dating success through self sabotage. You may tell yourself over and over again while assuming that success is impossible.  Sabotaging your success is a major problem in the dating scene. I hear it often from woman “There are no good men out there.” Where is this coming from? Did anyone ever believe that all men are inadequate?  I seriously think this comes from lofty expectations. The very notion that perfection is around the corner is absurd.

Don’t assume that people are not interesting. Engage people in meaningful conversation. The roots of the way you were brought up created, emotions, priorities and come from the environment you were brought up in. I once had a client from Farmington C.T. who said she wished her wealthy upbringing didn’t cloud her judgment.

Don’t assume that you will change a person you date because the analysis suggests to you it should happen. Assuming you are the one who has larger relevance will demean the person you date. This comes from desires to control people rather than engage them as equals. Many single people try hard to exert control in relationships it is disastrous.  Here are the many considerations that are worthwhile in gaining a smart relationship.

1 Generational connection.

2 Consistent value systems.

3 Enjoying similar activities and hobbies.

4 Common belief systems.

5 Social acceptances.

6 Similar life goals.

7 Vision for a positive future.

8 Positive energy.

9 Reliability.

10 Viewpoints.

11 Humor.

12 Confidences in each other.

These are the very most important measures of connection. These items above require deliberative thinking over time as opposed to assumptions from analysis.

You have searched far and wide for love. It seems to escape you from one method of meeting people to the next. Assumptions and over analysis are the tricks of the mind. These tricks are born out of self sabotage and keep you single for far too many years. If you have searched today for reality then you found it. When you find reality and embrace it you win.

The basis for reality is functional, practical and has proper versatility. In the end if you embrace reality it will serve as a cleansing of the mind. I ask if you can look at the inner mirror of yourself. Can you see truth or assumptions of a false nature? The real plan is clear, pleas stop assuming.

Growth as a human means guiding discovery based on acceptance. It is a lifetime purpose to find a meaningful candidate one that is inspiring. A person who gives you positive energy. A person with real passion. Sharing minds together eliminates control games. Participating in respect rather than manipulation is healthy. Sharing and encouraging each other as opposed to manipulation is healthy.

Any kind of human development takes work. This is why I continue to tell all single people that there is no magic. Quick fixes are for fools, it takes work and time. Quick fixes are shallow and do not last long. It is about lasting change. It is about getting rid of false assumptions. When you accept truth in your life then denial of a relationship disappears. Have courage to say to yourself that you have been thinking toxic. My challenge to you is to have the courage to admit you may have self sabotaged yourself.

Great success in dating comes from these principles.

1 Willingness to be friendly.

2 The investment in time to really get to know someone.

3 Engaging in fun conversation without ulterior motive.

4 Willingness to have an open mind.

5 The ability to think deliberately.

When you assume and evaluate through assumption you get critical. Too much critical thinking can be damaging in the formation of new relationships. If you have gotten so critical that everyone you meet has unacceptable flaws then you are an annoying unattractive spoiled brat. Constantly complaining about the opposite sex proves there is something wrong with you. There are very deep motives of a bad way when you want to fix, change and control people from assumptions that may never be true. Much of the critical judgment people exercise is part of finding fault with everyone. I hope this resonates.

John Holt

Matchmaker